Catch

    My brother Bob and I used to play catch, when we were maybe ten years old. The rules are simple: You get a baseball and your baseball glove, stand about 40 feet apart, and throw the ball back and forth. There is no keeping score, no winners or losers. Nobody tries to burn them in too hard for a brother to catch safely. The competitive stuff came later. 

     After the invitation to play, there was usually no conversation – at least, none that I can recall. The invitation was brief: One of us would ask, “Have a catch?” Later this got shortened to “Havva?” Then out we would go to the back yard. I don’t remember where we kept our ball and gloves.

    This was a guy relationship. Girls – and now women – usually knit together their relationship through conversation. You know, “How are you doing?” or “What’s new with you?” or “How was your trip?” or even “How’s your love life?” All are some version of “How are you feeling?” It is no surprise that most of these conversations require the women to talk about their feelings.

    I admit that these were adult women I heard talking. My sister always dragged the phone into her bedroom so nobody could overhear her girl talk, so I don’t know if young girls talk about their feelings. All of which makes me wonder how guys can best re-create the kind of “communication” Bob and I experienced when having a catch. Some ideas:

• Hunting. I don’t hunt, but I picture two guys sitting silently in their tree stands, maybe a quarter of a mile apart. This constitutes “hunting together.”

• Fishing works about the same way, except in some cases the guys find themselves in the same boat, which makes it tough.

• Jigsaw puzzles. This can be a co-ed activity, but it only works if the conversation is only about the puzzle itself.

• Watching sports on television. Yes, there can be an expression of feelings, but they are feelings about the game. There is a kind of bonding, but it’s an external bonding. Like having a catch. Or, maybe it’s deeper than that – hard to say because the guys don’t talk about it. Wearing a shirt or hat associated with the same team constitutes a similar non-verbal bonding.

 • Tennis. This can work because there is some kind of interaction, but being separated by a net allows you to avoid anything like conversation about your feelings. Throwing your racquet may count as an expression of feelings, though not about human relationships. The problem is that after the match is over, it’s natural to have a cold drink together, which might lead you to, you know, talk about your feelings.

 • Drinking. Two guys enjoying a drink together don’t need to talk. Or so I imagine. This is why guys like drinking at a bar – no need to interact with the person next to you, for you are probably just looking straight ahead at a mirror or some bottles.

• Music. One of the best times of my life was when I was part of a jazz combo. We didn’t talk much if at all, except through the music. We connected.

    I remember that a friend of mine, a woman, told me about a conversation with her doctor. She complained to him that her husband, a patient of the same doctor, seemed distant, unaware of the beautiful life they could be sharing, and non-communicative about what is going on emotionally within him. The doctor’s response: “So, you wish your husband were gay?” No wonder so many of us men are screwed up, and why relationships are so difficult.