My Olympics

            I remember when I was in college answering this question: If you really wanted to be in the Olympics, what event could you enter, starting from where you are now? After a lot of discussion, we concluded that luge would be a good bet. Setting aside the issue of chances of winning and the fear of crippling injury, pretty much anyone could ride a sled.

 

            I’ve thought about the issue again while watching the Paris Olympics on television. What can I picture myself actually doing? I can ride a bicycle. I can swim. I can run (slowly, for very short distances), and I can jump. I’ve played some soccer, volleyball, tennis and ice hockey, and I’ve lifted weights – mainly boxes of books when I’m moving. I’ve played ping-pong table tennis. I can see myself boxing, at least until someone hits me, and I used to wrestle with my brother when we were kids. I actually played a form of rugby in high school when we had a P.E. teacher from Wales. In other words, I can picture myself doing a lot of these events – poorly, even when I was young, but I could somehow do them.

 

            So, then, this leads me to the other side of the question: What events can I not picture myself actually doing?

 

            After not much thought, and perhaps guided by what I’ve been watching on television, gymnastics quickly comes to mind – men’s and women’s. The balance beam – really? All I can think of is what part of me would get hurt when I slip off the beam ten seconds into my inappropriately named “routine.” Rings are impossible – I get hurt just watching.

 

·      Pole vaulting? Nope. 

 

·      Breakdancing? Well, I’m pretty sure that my dancing efforts would get me down on the floor, flailing about, if that counts . . .. I recall dancing that way a couple of times when in college.

 

·      Skateboarding? I’m happy when I can walk on solid land without falling.

 

·      Surfing? Not with waves higher than one foot. And not with radioactive air to breathe.

 

·      Equestrian? My one experience on horseback 70 years ago disqualifies me.

 

·      Ski-jumping (Winter Olympics)

 

            What we really need is Olympic Games for seniors – competitive events suited to our age bracket. I have a few ideas, but I’m really interested in suggestions you could make.

 

Here are some possible events:

 

·      Parallel Parking. Bonus points awarded if you do it using stick shift.

 

·      Dressing oneself. Extra “degree of difficulty” points are awarded if you do it without sitting down or leaning against a wall. Deductions are made for unmatched socks, failure to correctly tuck or untuck your shirt, or anything put on backwards or inside-out. Bonus points are awarded for including a necktie and/or cufflinks, and, probably by a female judge, for good color choices, probably having to do with the mystery of “goes with” / “does not go with.”

 

·      I remember when I volunteered to work at the Transplant Games – an Olympics style operation that involved competitions for people who had received organ donations. One of my fellow volunteers suggested games for those with Obsessive-Compulsive disorder, where the only event would be registration. Well, for seniors, perhaps the only event would be finding the venue.

 

But again, I am mainly interested in your ideas. Let me know and I’ll post the results.