Geezer Olympics

            My last blog post led to some very thoughtful responses. I asked for suggestions to include in Olympic Games for old people.

 

            This, from Paul Stern: “You ask a great question.  Much in line of the effort I undertook with my brother of updating the songs of our youth for our current stage of life.  You remember ‘When I’m 94’ or ‘I’ll get by with a little help from Depends.’

            “So far, I’ve only come up with one candidate event: (for men only) Long Distance Peeing . . . and of course events would be grouped into age brackets:  50-60, 60-70, 70-80, and 80+ (the analog to “heavyweight” in boxing, wrestling, and weight lifting competitions).”

 

            Paul’s response reminded me of a conversation I overheard between two old guys at the Transplant Olympics. One asked the other if he were competing in the Senior age bracket. He said he was competing in the next older: “Carbon Dated.”

 

            Gordon Richardson had this suggestion: “Returning from a shopping trip, having found, bought, and brought home everything you needed . . ..” I assume you keep score by counting how many items you forgot to buy. I would also like to get some credit if I found my car in the store parking lot.

 

            I also received a great anonymous suggestion: “Main event: quickest to fall asleep after lunch gets the gold.”

 

            And Joe Moran suggested: “Add these to parallel parking and call it a pentathlon:

·      Backing into a parking space with and without a camera

·      Driving after sunset

·      Putting air in your tires

·      Exiting a two-seat sports car.”

 

            I had a few further event suggestions of my own:

 

·      Climb a flight of stairs, and then descend. (Why a “flight”? “Flight” seems to be the wrong term for people our age. How about, “Climb a labor of stairs”? On the other hand, for some of us, climbing stairs is about as difficult as taking flight . . ..) (Also, unrelated: Why “draw” a bath?) Degree of difficulty factor for stairclimbing based on how many knee and hip replacements are involved. You are disqualified if you don’t use the banister – on the basis of pride and/or stupidity. I actually practice for this event. Usually when I climb the stairs I forget why I did it, so I go back down and eventually remember. Or Kim reminds me.

 

·      Here’s another event: List, by name and subject area, your high school teachers. If that’s too difficult, identify your high school mascot. Points scored on the honor system, for who would know if you got some wrong?

 

·      Or maybe: After you fall asleep, how long can you stay asleep in bed without having to get up and go to the bathroom? And yes, wearing Depends is cheating.

 

·      How about Ironic Dancing? If you are really a crappy dancer, like the person writing this, you act as if your awkward and clumsy moves are being done on purpose. Points scored for humor, and for how much dignity you are willing to sacrifice.

 

            As I look over this list of suggested events, I see that it does not rise to the level of splendor of the Paris Olympics. So it goes.