Tips

            I’ve noticed that many people who are my age are getting old. Always prepared to provide helpful advice, I have a few practical tips for dealing with what’s happening.

 

·      When putting on your pants, lean against a wall. Balancing on one foot while seeking the right channel with your other foot, and then pushing through the folds, is dangerous business. In fact, you may want to back into a corner of the room for greater stability. This is something I learned when attempting to shower on a train in Western Canada.

 

·      You may want to employ a similar strategy when putting on your socks – possibly necessary if the chair in your bedroom, loaded with decorative pillows from the as yet unmade bed, is unavailable for sitting.

 

·      Don’t “upgrade” any system on your computer without assistance from young people, preferably from the Apple Store or Best Buy.

 

·      Always put your keys in the same place when you come in the house. I have a bedroom drawer. Some have a hook by the door. It doesn’t matter where. Also, carry them in the same place when you leave the house.

 

·      Some people have trouble remembering things when they get old. No problem, but check to make sure you turned off the stove or the faucet. Also check to be sure you do not say something that you’ve already said – repeating jokes or nuggets of wisdom can be embarrassing.

 

·      I used to have a financial account that required me to change my password every month – for security. Instead, I changed financial accounts. I have no good suggestions for keeping your passwords “safe,” except don’t do what I did – lists on my desk and on my computer labeled “Passwords.”

 

·      Listen to your body, especially when it tells you it’s time for a nap or a plop in front of the television. Our bodies are often smarter than we are. But not always. Listen to your brain when it tells you to exercise your body.

 

·      Sometimes we hide “valuables” so people who break into our house won’t find them. (How many of you have jewelry in the upper right-hand bureau drawer?) Well, the problem with hiding things is, of course, finding them again. Whoever ends up buying our house is in for some nice surprises.

 

·      Know your weaknesses as an aging driver. I, for example, sometimes struggle estimating the speed and distance of oncoming traffic when I’m making a left turn, so I give way too much leeway, to the annoyed dismay of drivers behind me. We are going to get a cover for our Jeep when it arrives, saying “Geezer Jeepsters.” We think it’s good to warn people.

 

·      Use your co-pilot. Kim doesn’t drive, so she is mine. Maybe nine times out of ten the warnings she gives are not needed – I saw that stop sign or old guy turning left in front of me. For the other one time out of ten, she probably saved me from an accident. It helps if your co-pilot is not discussing money or sex.

 

·      Speaking of which – one way to improve your sex life is to broaden your definition of “sex life.”

·      Use the bannister. Kim and I have become Bannister People. Sometimes, when carrying drinks and snacks down to the television room, we have to take an extra trip because both hands are not free to carry. Think of it as aerobic work.

 

·      Get slip-on footware. My regular outdoor shoes are both waterproof and slip-on, so there’s no awkward bending over struggles with laces. My indoor moccasins do have leather laces, but they are decorative, mainly functioning as trip-hazards. We’ve heard that falling down is not good for old folks, so check your laces. And use the bannister.

 

·      Some people have trouble remembering things when they get old. No problem, but check to make sure you turned off the stove or the faucet. Also check to be sure you do not say something that you’ve already said – repeating jokes or nuggets of wisdom can be embarrassing.

 

·      I had another good one, but I can’t remember it.